Wednesday, August 26, 2009

when you have lemons....

It has been said many a time that when life gives you lemons........make lemonade.

Well, what if you don't particularly care for lemonade? Just wondering aloud. Anyway, just what does that mean? I hear it and think that it is about taking what your dealt in life and doing the best you can with it. Anybody think that's not it?

So, if we are to take what we are dealt and then do the best we can, just when do we get to complain? Don't answer that, I am just working through some light depression.

As many of you know, Our household income has dropped by 60 %. And as luck would have it, my bills did not go down. So I and we, as a family, have cut everything we can think of, and still find ourselves upside down. And so we tell ourselves, :this is why we have savings. we will get through this and things will get better soon." WELL< WHEN IS IT GONNA GET BETTER?!

I am fine now, but for the last week I have been in a serious funk. I have a job, and am glad for it as it is better than not having a job. But we are slowly eating up what savings we had. What are we to do when there is nothing left?

I tend not to like to have downer posts, and maybe that is another reason my posts have been so infrequent of late. There has been a lot of downer feelings. Spouse is doing their part and trying to stay positive but I see through it. I do not want to add to their load but OH MY HECK!

Okay, I promise the screaming is done. I really am feeling better. We have started calling creditors and asking what we can do to try and manage our debt. I know we are heading down a hard road but really do know how blessed I really am. My kids are all healthy and spouse is better than anyone I deserve. Maybe I am writing this post to help myself but I also wanted to share a line someone has told me recently.

So here it goes.........."In 100 years, what is going to matter to you?"

Riveting is it not. For someone who believes in eternity and the hereafter or heaven, this is a comfort. We may have lost the newer vehicle. We may end up going through bankruptcy. We may even lose the house. But none of this matters in the long run.

Am I living the way I should? Am I treating others the way I should? Do I honor myself and my family by my actions? Do I stay true to my principles? I could go on but I think you can get the gist of things.

I may not care for my situation but if I look hard enough I can see the blessings in my life, even now. How wonderful life IS!

So think about things and if possible answer the following questions in a comment.

How are you doing?

Are you struggling?

How are you dealing with your struggles?
and, last but not least........

What advice would you give others who face great hurdles in life?

Have a great day!

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Bus Driver's Daughter

Being a guest-blogger for *THE* Blogstalker is a privilege of which I am honored. I find the entire charade of the anonymity of Blogstalker to be fascinating; a mystery of sorts. I thought what could be more apropos than to write my own post about identity? Thank you, Blogstalker for this opportunity. I hope I do not disappoint your followers. ~Emma

Who AM I? This thought has consumed me on so many occasions, and seems much more prevalent now than in past years. I credit my recent divorce as the catalyst which set in motion this very question as of late. Incidentally, simply writing out the statement, “my recent divorce”, has caused me to realize that my divorce was final 18 months ago. Does being divorced for a year and a half even constitute as “recent” anymore? When will it go from being a “recent divorce” to simply, “divorce”? This question gives way to ponder other questions about the way my mind thinks or the way I act, all which inevitably bring me back to, “Who AM I?”

I recently remarked to a friend on the fact that she and her husband have been married for 34 years and how much they are still in love. She replied, “He defines me.” The more I reflected on her sentiment the more it seemed depressing. I mean, this woman let her husband define who she is. Why can’t she define herself? I wondered. Is she not allowed to be her own person? The more I thought about her, the more I questioned my own identity. Hadn’t I done the same thing, really?

My mother had 7 children in 8 years. I remember when my father took a job driving tour busses for a tour company. Not only did we move into that town to be closer to his job, but we moved 2 doors down. I loved living "in town". We lived a block from Main St., across from the park, the library, the ambulance department, the firehouse, and the Bus Company. This was the town in which my father grew up and the locals knew him. As we moved in and as he reunited with friends, he became known as the bus driver with all of the kids. Being so close to the park and the library and the dime store which sold penny candy, as kids, we were all over town all the time. Everyone knew who we were. Everyone knew we belonged to the Bus Driver. I was the Bus Driver’s Daughter.

Being the Bus Driver’s Daughter was no easy feat. My father was an upstanding citizen. He not only worked long hours to support the family of 9, but he was a member of “Friends of the Library” and was a volunteer EMT, eventually becoming Vice President. Those who knew him never questioned who he was or what he stood for. He passed those values along to his children as well. If any of us ever acted out, he would know because it would have been so out of character that whoever saw it would have reported it to him.

Going off to college was a big deal for me, as I not only went out of state, but across an ocean. I met my husband during my second semester and we dated a short 8 weeks before becoming engaged. I had my doubts and my fears. But he was older and always seemed to know the right thing to say. I went home for the summer to work and then went back to school only 4 weeks before our wedding. We dated a total of 12 weeks. I didn’t really know him, but I was 19 and wanted to believe in love.

Over the next 13 years I had three beautiful children in spite of one toxic marriage. In public, I donned the smiles, the we-are-a-happy-family persona. But behind closed doors I retreated to myself, my room and all too often, my bed. I was lonely and afraid. I did not allow myself close friends for fear that they would come to figure out my deep, dark secrets. I was ashamed for the things I allowed to take place including the behavior against me. Why did I carry his burdens? Because I went from being someone’s child to becoming someone’s wife and someone’s mother, and I lost focus on who I was in the midst.

During the entire divorce process I became great friends with the gals in my neighborhood. One night, one of them said, “I always thought you were shy; but you are just the opposite.” After my divorce, when my father was passing through town, a friend of mine said to him, “Can you believe who she has become since the divorce? She is so full of life and spontaneity! She is so Saucy!” My dad chuckled and said, “This is the daughter I’ve always known.”

I don’t think I realized how lost my marriage made me feel until that moment. And yet that moment was also pivotal in my awareness of feeling lost now. I do not mourn my marriage anymore. I don’t even mourn my divorce. No, I feel lost because I gave someone else permission to define me all of those years; someone who didn’t love me completely. And now that he is gone, who am I?

I think much of the answer to who I am, is more an answer to “who do I want to be?” I get to choose. I am the one writing my story now.

I love the notion that, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but rather we are Spiritual Beings having a human experience.” This adds significance to my plight in determining who I am, as now I desire to figure out who He already knows me to be. It fills me with hope and gives my journey purpose.

Who Am I? I haven’t quite decided yet. But this I know: I will always be someone’s mother, and I am still the Bus Driver’s daughter.

What about YOU? Do you ever feel lost?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Well, if you notice what Summer had to say in the last comment you may think I have been found out. My secret Identity has been discovered and I can no longer work at the daily planet as an average reporter.

But don't worry, I will bribe her silly not to share any information so stop composing those emails to her right now!

So, was wondering if anyone else is watching all the town hall backlash on the govt. run health care issue?

What do you all think about it?

Catch ya later,

Have a great day stalkers!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Things I know

I may have lived 234 years but in the grand scheme of things I realize I know next to nothing compared to what my parents knew at about a 50. I don't know about you, but growing up I could count on a few solid facts. One of those was that my parents knew everything.

When I was a toddler and had questions about how something worked or why something was the way it was, Dad would tell me. And I believed him. It was not till I was older that I realized sometimes certain things were not really the way they were explained to me.

And I understand it now. I cannot bring myself to admit to my children when I do not know something

So here is a list of what I do know, just to make me feel better.

I know:
  • I do not know everything
  • I pretend that I do
  • I weigh more than my "recommended" weight
  • I have a great spouse and wonderful kids
  • reading someone elses blog can help you deal with your own issues because you realize you are not the only one who has challenges
  • A good book is still better than the movie
  • all politicians lie to me
  • more people comment about a blog where I complain than where I am positive
  • The United States of America is still the freest place on earth.........for now
  • we are never alone
  • life is short
  • family is important
  • peace through strength is a good idea
  • I love to run
  • money is not happiness(but I could sure use more of it)
  • most people are still genuinely good(excluding politicians and dictators)
  • I love babies.........especially the ones I can hand back to mom when it is no longer happy. :-)
  • I will never have another baby that is genetically mine
  • I love blogging
  • I am now on
  • most people do not read this far on someones list. if you do read this....write the word skeptic somewhere in the comments...this should be fun
  • Our military is underpaid and Congress is getting fat off the rest of us
  • The poor in this country are still better off than most of the world.
  • I love New York Style cheesecake with strawberry topping....yummmmmmm
  • Music is the soundtrack of my life. Good music that is.

So, as you may have guessed, I do not know all that much. But what I know, I really know.

What do you know?

Have a great day!

My Fun Stalkers Who Rock