Tuesday, October 20, 2009

New beginning and Answers?

Today was the first day of the rest........BLAH BLAH BLAH. It was not all that big a deal but was a change none the less. Today I started a new job. I am not making more money and I consider it a lateral move.......... but there are some perks.

I will now be in closer proximity to the house and kids if they should need me. I am close enough that the gas I will save will be like getting a raise. YAY ME! So anyway, the best reason is a selfish reason. THERE IS A QT WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE! Seriously this is a perk. I love the place. 30 choices of beverage, fatty foods and candy.....oh, and gas, clean bathrooms etc..

Do you feel like I do on first days? Are you back in first grade or the first day of high school?
Hoping you look cool, but like your not trying to look cool? Too funny, but it is true.

It is almost like a first date. Bear with me on this. When you go on a first date, you are so concerned on how you look in your jeans. You worry yourself about how your hair looks. Everything has to be perfect. Usually you eat more politely and maybe even pay attention to what your date is saying and make some clever comments that make you seem so witty. Then fast forward one year and you are getting take out in some "comfy" clothes and your hair, who cares? Anyone.....?

Well, I happen to be that person who tries to be the perfect student but not the brown nosed nerd at the front of the class. (these analogies are getting out of hand) Well, anyway, I am working with some good people(for a first date at least). Hope it holds true.

On to what else I wanted to write about. Do you remember the dream I told you about in the last post? Well, I don't see that it is very connected but something happened. I have a good friend. This friend has been fighting a cancer for a little over a year. I talk to this friend every now and then and we have gone out to catch up and enjoy some different activities. I had turned down an invite to go with this friend somewhere about a month ago because of some different family commitments. I left messages a few times since and texted but never got a response.

It was not like we were needy or that we texted often so I thought nothing of it. Well, 2 days after my last post I was talking to a fellow friend who still worked with them. When I asked how they were doing there was silence. The silence was followed by an apology for me not having heard that my friend had passed away.

I was then informed that the funeral was one week previous. Again ----SHOCK----

It is not like this friends spouse had any obligation to tell me. I was certainly not "best" friends with them, but not one person (we share several acquaintances) let me know and i feel as guilty as heck that I did not keep in better touch and make sure i ws on a calling list or something.


Why do I feel so guilty?

What does this have to do with my dream, if anything?

Just thinking aloud......Have a great day!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I had a dream!

What do our dreams mean?
I am going to share something very personal. Something I do not usually do here in this format to be sure. But I feel strongly about this and figured it is not like identifying info or anything and would really like to talk about it.

So here it goes; I had a dream the other night. This was not a dream like the type of dream I usually have had. Usually my dreams can seem real, but good or bad, they end and I find myself either wishing it had not ended or glad I woke up.

This dream was as real as any dream could possibly be. It was so real I have a part of my brain that wonders if it was a glimpse into the future. (and I did not watch "flash forward" right before bed! lol) Let me give a little background. Several family members and people close to me have succumbed to cancer in the past 10 years. Cancer is an evil menace and I do not take the mention of it lightly. I do not joke about things like this and so this dream is freaking me out.

Again, this dream felt very real, as if it really happened to me. I went to a doctor because I had a lot of pain in my side or something. I must of had some things checked out prior to this doctor visit because the dream was about the conversation with the doctor.

He sat and took a deep breath. Then he proceeded to tell me I had a large tumor. It was larger than anything he had ever seen before and was amazed I had not had more problems prior to coming in about it. He said it was so advanced that there were not a lot of options but proceeded to go over them with me anyway.

The rest of the day(in the dream) is still so clear to me. Spouse and I decided that with not much of a chance of survival, the best thing to do would be to make the most of the time I had left. It would be better than being sick the rest of my life just to extend it a little while. It was the scariest thing I have ever been a part of. I am not ready to leave my family. The emotional drain of that day, the day that didn't even happen, has been weighing on me a lot. Everything that I have not done yet in this life flashed in front of my eyes. I thought of everything that I have not experienced with my children yet. There are still stages of life I have not reached and experienced. But what makes me any better than the thousands who die every year who can say the same things?

And then I am awake.............................at the end of that day........................................like I just woke up back in time before it happened.

Very X-Files-ish wouldn't you say?

Well, I just had to write it down. If you have any ideas please share them. I am not fatalistic but am still pretty weirded out by it.

Have you ever had a dream that was so real you can still remember every detail of it to this day? What was it about? Did it change the way you looked at life or how you lived?

Thanks for your comments and.........Have a great day!

My Fun Stalkers Who Rock